you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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