He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize