I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
