May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
