Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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