Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
