Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize