Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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