Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
