i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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