after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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