He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
