I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
