Just mADE A PArabola og urine
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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