Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
