I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
