I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize