Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
