today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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