why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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