Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
