i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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