Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
