instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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