If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
