I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
