You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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