no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
