I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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