I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
