I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
