so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
