The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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