so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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