It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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