Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
