thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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