just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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