If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
