I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
