my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
