Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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