Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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