Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
