omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
