I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
