You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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