so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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