I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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