Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
