her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
