Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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