Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
why didn't you poke me back
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
