there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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