i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
