my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize