Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
