new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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