Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize