The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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